A Love Letter to: My Army

I was recently composing a list of various things I've left throughout my life and after a lot of thought I realised that 90% of the ‘things’ I regretted leaving behind were people.

I harp on repeatedly about toxic friends, relationships and situations and how if you ever find yourself in one you should love yourself and value your own worth enough to gently remove yourself from said situation or people. Despite being blue in the face explaining to others the concept of self love and looking after yourself enough to let these people and things go I frequently find myself lamenting the fact that some people are gone and I didn't spend longer watering what might have been a dying friendship? And while it’s ok to be nostalgic from time to time I look at my Army, my non-sexual life partners, and I see how great they are.

Identifying what makes me truly happy has being a trip I've been on for the last few years and I can safely say that being around my army, no matter who, or how many of them there are, makes me the happiest I can be. Which just proves, when you surround yourself with the best people, you feel the best you can.

I see how we build each other up.

Would never think of judging each other unnecessarily

And how we don’t need to be constantly with each other to understand what’s going on and I know while I've made some mistakes in the name of self preservation and not getting hurt (haven’t we all) I've made some pretty damn good decisions as well.

And my army is proof of that.

Your best friends are by far the most important thing in your life. Through the good, the bad and the ugly, they get you. Somehow your appreciation for them gets lost among the jumble of pain and laughter. The things I’m most grateful for are the little things. The things that show someone’s thinking of you and understands you, more than most people. It’s very rarely that I express this. So, here’s the things I'm grateful for and an attempt at expressing my thanks.

You’re the reason I know true friends are forever, others will dip in and out but no matter how annoying I am, and trust me, I know when I’m being annoying, or when I’m not listening to your well meaning advice, or going into one of my many hibernation seasons, m’army are always there when I decide to listen or come out of hibernation. That’s a testament to both their patience and their capability to love. And I love them for proving everyday that they’ll be there.

Something as small as a text can change your day and my army, they understand, they understand the importance of contact, however sporadic. They also understand my need for reassurance, which I’m forever grateful for and can only imagine how annoying it is!

You don’t talk about me behind my back, that I’m confident of and you’ll never ignore my messages, no matter how long a reply takes, it will come.

Friendship depends on the extraordinary as well as the ordinary. In the last five years there hasn't been a stint in my life when one of my army wasn't across the water, however near or far, and even though we’re separated by oceans, we are still constantly together, narrating our lives through Skype, messages, voice notes and snapchats in a conversation that never ends.

We’ve shared about 7678 photos on Whatsapp, laughed at each other’s disasters and cried when the time called for it. We’ve shared more coffees out than I’d like to admit, cause who can afford dinner and you can nurse a coffee for hours and for this I’m also thankful.

I have some pretty outlandish ideas and plans, and even I sometimes know they’re a bit much, yet I rarely sense any genuine doubt when I tell my people about my ambitious plans and ideas. Maybe a helpful push in the right direction (towards reality) but all I ever feel is support. As John Green said, “That’s who you really like, the people you can think out loud in front of.”

You've showed me the way when I've allowed myself to be clouded by my own judgement. “A secret relationship is no relationship” isn't something you ever want to hear but the people that tell you are the ones who really care. Not your “secret boyfriend”.

Black out stage? Been there. Been brought home more times than I can count and for that, I’m indebted cause, let’s be real, it’s only a matter of time before I start causing havoc that none of us would be able to fix the next morning, no matter how many pizzas we order. 

These women are the women I like, and women I WISH I was like. Just being in their presence can make me feel like we can be magic and achieve anything. Everyone knows you should only hang out with people that make you comfortable and happy and if I had a choice, I’d sail to an island, with these girls, these ones alone, and stay there forever.

xo

Valentine's Day

Love it or loath it Valentine’s Day is upon us. Personally I have no strong feelings towards it, I mean, it’s my brothers birthday on the 14^th of February so if anything I experience mild irritation at the thought of having to buy him a present. Despite this, I can appreciate the sentiment behind the day and anyaone that knows me knows I love love. So, I’ve compiled a listicle of my favourite TV and movie couples so if you hate it you can sit there and laugh at the “fools in love” and if you love it you can embrace the joy and love! Worst comes to worst, this can be fuel for your next Netflix binge!


Seth & Summer

"I'm now choosing you. Okay?Because the whole reason that we broke up...is because for me...it's always been you, Summer. It's always been you.I've tried to fight it, and I've tried to deny it.And I can't. I can't do it.You're undeniable."




UNDENIABLE.


Kirsten & Sandy.

I know, I know, two from the same programme, I'm cheating so much but I'll willingly admit that my obsession for this programme has never died and it's ALL BECAUSE OF THESE FOUR. How much do we all want a Sandy (or Seth) Cohen?




Kirsten Cohen: Sandy, I'm so sorry. 
Sandy Cohen: Hey, we can bend this thing. Doesn't mean it's gonna break. 



Luke & Lorelai

ALL the tine in the world for this pair. The whole 52 seasons of Gilmore Girls should be solely dedicated to these two.


Luke: Lorelai, this thing we're doing here me, you I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in. 



Lorelai: I was just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right? 
Luke: It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day. The place was packed. And this person... 
Lorelai: Oh, is it me? Is it me? 
Luke: This person comes tearing into the place, in a caffeine frenzy... 
Lorelai: Ooh, it's me! 
Luke: I'm with a customer, she interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee. So I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. Finally I turn to her, and tell her she's being annoying. Sit down, shut up, and I'll get to her when I get to her. 
Lorelai: You know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful... 
Luke: She asked me my birthday. I wouldn't tell her, she wouldn't stop talking, finally I gave in. I told her my birthday. She went and got the newspaper, opened it up to the horoscopes page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me. So I was looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written You will meet an annoying woman. Give her coffee, and she'll go away. So I gave her coffee. 
Lorelai: But she didn't go away! 
Luke: She told me to hold onto that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and one day it would bring me luck. 
Lorelai: Boy, I will say anything for a cup of coffee! I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? You kept this in your wallet... 
Luke: Eight years. 
Lorelai: Eight years... 

COME ON!!! <3

Hermonie & Ron

They're magical and in love. Win Win.




There was a clatter as the basilisk fangs cascaded out of Hermione's arms. Running at Ron, she flung 
them around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. Ron threw away the fangs and broomstick he 
was holding and responded with such enthusiasm that he lifted Hermione off her feet. "Is this the moment?" Harry asked weakly, and when nothing happened except Ron and Hermione gripped each other still more firmly and swayed on the spot, he raised his voice. "OI! There's a war going on here!"
Ron and Hermione broke apart, their arms still around each other.
"I know, mate," said Ron, who looked as though he had recently been hit on the back of the head with a Bludger, "so it's now or never, isn't it?"


Dylan & Jamie




Dylan: Hey, I want my best friend back. Because I'm in love with her.
Jamie: Under one condition.
Dylan: Anything.
Jamie: Kiss me.
Dylan: In public? In front of all these people?
Jamie: I did not ask you to ...
[he comes close and kisses her]

Hannah & Jacob




[referring to Hannah]
Jacob Palmer: I'm in love with her. I love her. I don't know what I was doing before this, and I don't know what to do about it. It's not something I can really stop.
Cal Weaver: Yeah?
Jacob Palmer: Yeah.
Cal Weaver: You love her? You love Hannah?
Jacob Palmer: Yes.
Cal Weaver: Tell me about it. Tell me how much you love her.
Jacob Palmer: I'm just...look, Cal, this is not something that I wanted, okay? It's not something...I saw people who are in love and I thought they way that they were behaving and things that they were doing and saying, they just...they appeared pathetic. Honestly. And I spent all this time with you and I'm trying to make you more like me, and it turns out I just wanna be...

Happy Valentine's Day <3
xo

Roaring 20's?

Being in your 20s is hard. Not that I’m biased or anything, yano with me being in my 20s. I’m sure 30s, 40s and 50s are equally just as hard but right now we’re supposed to be deciding our future careers, treading carefully through potential friends, balancing alcohol fuelled weekends with something more substantial, picking out the duds in your life, be that people, habits or jobs, creating something beautiful out of yourself and your life while trying to make enough money to keep your head above water, portray an image of happiness and success for parents, acquaintances and sometimes, even yourself.

I woke up this morning (afternoon) and had my morning scroll through Instagram and stumbled upon this, potentially overused, picture/quote/Instagram cliché and decided it was pretty apt and made me feel slightly better about not being up at the crack of the dawn to go to yoga and come home to my Nutribullet to make my daily green juice. Ironically, Instagram is probably the main source of social media that makes us feel like we should be doing this but that’s a whole other post.

So, here are a few more from people that have been there and (probably) know better that proves that everyone’s been there. No matter how together they are now *cough* Oprah!

"Your 20s will be full of failures — let them happen and learn as you go."

 - Holden Desalles -

"The thing I love most about my generation — and something that rarely gets recognized — is that we’re fucking hustlers. We make it work. We get that money. We’re innovative and resourceful. The odds may be stacked against us and yet we still find a way to triumph."

 - Ryan O’Connell -

"I look back on my 20s. It’s supposed to be the prime of your life, the most vital, the most beautiful. But you’re making your critical decisions and sometimes your most critical mistakes."

  -Ann Brashares -

“Your 20’s are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground.” 

- Kyoko Escamilla –

“I think your 20’s are the hardest part of life. I mean, everyone goes on about how hard it is to be a teenager, but actually I think it’s tougher to be in your 20’s because you’re expected to be a grownup and expected to earn your own living and be successful and I think you feel like a kid still.”  

- Nigel Cole –

“You’ll be fine. You’re 25. Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.” 

- Louis CK -

"It's that time when you're really, really trying to figure shit out... It's just about trying and creating and putting stuff out in whatever form or medium that you do, and not being precious with it. And in that you'll find your voice." 

- Abbi Jacobsen -

"If I could have talked to my 19- or 20-year-old self, I would have said, 'You're going to be fine. It ain't that serious!'" 

- Queen Latifah -

“When I was in my 20's, I was a lost soul. Your 20's are about finding your soul," 

– Oprah -

"Also in your twenties, if you’re beautiful, everything comes to you, so you never need to develop a personality. I never had that problem."

– Miranda Hart. -

"Start your twenties with lots of friends and leave with a few good ones. What happened? People faded away into their careers and relationships. Fights were hard and never resolved. Shit happens."

 – Ryan O’Connell –

"Happiness comes out of being willing to do your work in your twenties to find our who you are, what you love."

 – Candace Bushnell –

"When I was in my twenties, I felt like I was riding wild horses, and I was hoping I didn't go over a cliff. 

–Chaka Khan –

"I think for the majority of my twenties, I was always so concerned with what I didn't have, or what I still wanted."

 –Adam Lambert -

Relax. Take your time. Enjoy life.

 xo

FWIS: From where I Stand

Did you think I was going to do a blog post on my clothes accompanied with a photo looking down on my feet. No, no, I’m not going to do that, but just in case you’re curious, here’s a photo anyway.

 I may never make it as a fashion blogger hahaha.

This is about where I actually stand, in life. I've returned home. I wasn't going to write anything about this cause, yano, social media isn't a diary, but then I remembered, this is my little space, read it and love it, read it and hate it, it doesn't matter cause no one’s making you so if you’re going to judge AWAY WITH YOU. We don’t like that negativity around these parts!!

 About six months ago I travelled 6000 kilometers away from my little home in Galway, Ireland to Abu Dhabi in the UAE. There is no doubt about it that, at the time, this was what I wanted. In fact, all my life I've been pining to get out of Galway to travel, explore the world and see new things and I was so, so excited to start this new chapter of my life. And yet, I’m back? Right back where I started. I gave up, gave in, couldn't handle it, right? A bit of a failure, to be honest. This was exactly how I felt when I finally made the hard decision to come home. I stayed inside at home, I only told one friend that I was home and I was, to put it simply, MORTIFIED. After all my talking I only lasted half a year and I’m back again. Maybe I’m not the adventuress I have proclaimed myself to be my whole life. Maybe I am destined to a life stuck on this Emerald Isle with the same people I've known all my life.

Then, I shook myself.

I did it, didn't I? I went, I tried and it genuinely was my own personal hell. I stayed for six months, I gave it a good lash and when I couldn't pretend anymore I did what was best for me and I came home to start my next adventure.

Full disclosure: I loved all the people I met there, some I desperately hope will be my friends for life and Abu Dhabi is an amazing city. The job was not what I had expected nor would I say that it was anything as was described to me in my interview, the living situation was not for me and we were living in a suburb which I felt quite isolated in. I won’t go into all the gory details but I felt like I was extending my college life, being treated like a child when I was ready to start my career and shoved into a situation where I worked, lived and socialised with all the same people, most of whom were WONDERFUL, but it’s not a very healthy environment for anyone. I have a very clear idea of what I want in life and sometimes this means I can’t relax and take things as they come which is a serious flaw in my personality. Most days after work I would be upset and this was not how I wanted to spend the next six months so, I did it. I came home.

I was embarrassed. Angry, at myself, mostly. Full of questions. Disappointed. Confused. And, embarrassed again.

And then, I copped on.

You’re meant to try new things and mess up a few times; you’re free to undertake your own journey. Life is the most beautiful and most ugly thing in the world thus our lives will have times when they are exceptionally beautiful and extremely ugly. This was an ugly stage that I chose to take myself out of.

I was lost in Abu Dhabi, I wasn’t following any of my goals up, I was despondent going to work every day and I felt like I was going backwards. Then, I realised, being lost is the only way to find the person you’re meant to be. Pretending you have it together for the benefit of everyone else will make you fail at life in a most spectacular and miserable fashion.

Life should be spent creating and improving. Life should be about getting up in the morning and looking forward (well, not hating the thought of it) going to work. Life should be about the little moments that make you happy. Life should be an open conversation between you, your goals, the people around you and everything else. Life should be spent striving to be the best you. Life should be a primarily happy experience.

I was once told that being in love with yourself was the greatest love affair you’d ever have and when you had this love everything would fall into place. This was me taking care of myself, loving myself, the way I would for someone I truly loved. This was it.

As mentioned above, I know what I want. I’m willing to work towards it. However, in that environment, there was very little chance of working toward or improving anything. So, I left. You have to trust that you’ll find your own path and if you don’t that it will have the balls to find you however, there’s no harm in putting yourself in a place that you’re easy to find.

Accept that you’re lost and then, find your way through the fog and don’t be afraid to make the hard decisions in life. I’m told they’re the ones that matter the most.

Night Café

I may be living far away, 6000 kilometres to be precise, but thanks to publications like Her.ie and basically everyone on my Twitter timeline (how did people read the news before Twitter? Srsly?) I manage to keep up to date with everything going on at home from new job openings (Twitter/My Mother), Varadkar coming out (#sexualorientation) and everything to do with any sort of water charges change or protest, in fairness, this is mostly down to my Father’s texts. 

Point is, I like to think I’m still up to date with what’s going on at home and this, THIS, is the greatest thing I’ve read about home since I got here and motivated me to say “It’s a really great place!!” to a taxi driver this morning about home, which would be fine, except he hadn’t asked!

A new Night Café opened last night in Dublin to lend a helping hand to those living on the streets. The service aims to help those who don’t have access to emergency homeless accommodation. Between 11pm and 7:30am there will be hot beverages and a light meal available along with advice, showers, health and social services.

journal.ie

The 50% increase in people sleeping rough in the capital this year and the tragic death of a homeless man on our streets back in December this is a much needed service around the capital, in particular, providing treatment and social services. A cup of tea is easily made, intervention and assisting with health not so much. This shows a compassion and awareness of others that I thought wasn't very present in our government and can only be a step in the right direction.

Kudos to the Dublin local authority and Merchants Quay!

Cosmopolitan Utimate Women Awards.

Last night some of our favourite women, and men, were honoured at the swanky One Mayfair in Central London where the ninth Cosmopolitan Ultimate Woman Awards took place celebrating all that is wonderfully fierce and fabulous about the women in the spotlight at the moment and reinforcing the girl power we've come to associate with Cosmopolitan.

Names from movies, fashion, sport and music were all in attendance at the 250 plus star studded event and it was certainly a night to remember for some. 

Davina McCall came home with the Ultimate Editors Choice award at the amazing ceremony. Who doesn't love Davina? Remember when she ran from Edinburgh to London for charity? Yeah.

 "There's something so powerful about girls together" PREACH *hands raised emoji* 

My personal favourite outfits on the night were the uh-maaaazing Abbey Clancy and my ultimate girl crush Millie Mackintosh. 

Abbey, who collected the Ultimate Style Icon award, KILLED it in an androgynous suit that emphasised her feminine curves with amazing gold leaf shaped earrings from Giuseppe Zanotti Design. 

"I feel a bit silly collecting this is the company of such amazing women tonight. I never thought I would be called a style icon."

Ahhh Millie <3

Millie attended the awards with her Mother sporting a black and white Zuhair Murad caped body con dress with black lace trimmed along the back and hemline.

xo

The Fat Diaries.

All my life I’ve been pretty aware of the fact that I have to eat healthy and stay fit to ensure I stay more on the side of average sized girl than a baby elephant. I gain weight very easily and anyone that knows me knows my weight fluctuates quite regularly depending on my motivation, current situation and whether I’ve started a new “fitness regime” or not. The approaching Christmas season is striking the fear of God into me and making me want to stay in my own little cocoon in Abu Dhabi and not bother returning home to cosy fires, Bailey’s coffees and all that I hold dear in my life (Selection Boxes, Haribo, anything with carbs and Southern Comfort).

I’m usually very good at motivating myself once I’ve committed to something. If I say I’ll do something, in particular, if I’ve paid for it, I can motivate myself to follow through. However, since taking the leap and moving my whole life to Abu Dhabi all I’ve done is gain the “Abu Dhabi Stone” or so they call it. “They” being my predecessors that also gained. As a result of this horrific weight gain I decided to take action and I signed up to a Nutrition and Exercise Program. This is not the first time I’ve done this and the first one, while it was, to be honest, quite successful with regards weight loss and muscle building I knew there was more I could have gained, or lost, from it had I being more committed. I’m easily distracted by booze runs and FOMO plays a huge part in my life. So, the intention with this sign up was to improve on my last one, to commit, follow through and reap the rewards. I’m three weeks in to a four week plan and this has, devastatingly, not occurred.

I can motivate myself. I ENJOY healthy food. I like to feel in control with regards food and exercise. I like a lot of exercise, in fact, I LOVE to go to some classes; Spinning, Yoga, Pilates, any combination of weight resistance and cardio (apart from Burpees, but who likes Burpees), cross fit, TRX and I adore a long walk along the coast. I like the endorphins that are released post exercise and I like the feeling of your body toning up slowly but surely. I’ve tried every single exercise class and trend that’s out there and there’s very few I don’t like. I love fruit. Stir fry is my favourite dinner. I find salads not unbearable, depending on the ingredients.

But, here this is not the case. I’m finding motivating myself to exercise nigh on impossible. Eating healthy is a genuine pain in the neck and my heart is throbbing with self loathing because I can’t seem to stick to anything and keep, to use a cliché, “falling off the wagon”. So, on my way home from boot camp this morning I decided to pinpoint the reasons I’m not enjoying my healthy lifestyle this time round. This will not be a motivation post (that’s the next one) but it might also help you pinpoint reasons you’re not staying on track.

Work.

I’m genuinely not enjoying work. When I leave work, as a result of my hatred, all I want to do is treat myself by having a cuppa and a biccie, a nice dinner and some a gorgeous dessert. My favourite part of the day is coming home to the girls and having a lovely cup of tea and a biscuit and dissecting your day. These girls can eat biscuits with minimal effect but for me every biscuit I eat is another ripple in my thigh. I feel that after a day of dealing with things and people I hate that I deserve these treats and without these it makes the day very difficult to get through and all of a sudden my job is ten times worse than it was beforehand. If I’m not rewarding myself for getting through the day I simply want to sleep to forget about it. Problematic on all sides.

Environment.

A lot of the socialising we do here in Abu Dhabi is based entirely around and on food and drink. Brunches are common weekend plans where you’re simply encouraged to eat and drink as much as you can for a sum of money. Not conducive to a healthy regime. The last few weekends have been a constant cycle of people going up to Dubai for big weekend celebrations and with the Abu Dhabi GAA tournament coming here, hundreds of Irish descended on our island and, let’s not lie, drank the weekend away. I’ve avoided these two weekends and subsequently feel like a dry, boring Granny and have made zero progress with my health and fitness desires. Disaster.

Another factor in my environment is my living space. When we arrived we were thrown into a villa with a stranger and everyone crossed their fingers that they got along. I, unfortunately, was not one of the lucky ones and this makes coming home, making dinners, spending time in the kitchen consistently awkward.

I live in a suburb outside of Abu Dhabi that is, simply, a desert. There is nothing. It’s a barren land, pretty much. This, for someone that loves streets, exploring new places, finding new spots to walk and taking advantage of “new sign up” free weeks in yoga classes etc, is disastrous. To get anywhere, to any class, to anything that is advantageous to a healthy regime I must find a partner (to cut the price of the taxi), find a taxi, usually guide the taxi driver, pay for the taxi and hope that it all works out.  A massive effort that a lot of the time does not reap big enough a reward for the effort required.

Lack of results.

I stuck with this nutrition and exercise program pretty well for the first two weeks and, yet, there were no results to be seen. My gym buddy (something I would recommend everyone should have when starting a new regime) managed to lose close to A STONE on the first week with the juice diet section of the diet and I managed to shift ZERO pounds. If that’s not disheartening I don’t know what is. I know, I know, it’s not all about the figure on the scale but, really, for me, a lot of it is.

Restriction.

I don’t know if it’s just me or if this is common in the spoiled brats among the world but as soon as I’m told I can’t have something, guess what, I NEED it in my life. As soon as possible. I’m instantly tempted by everything and anything. I’m aware of how close the shop is to me, how easy a delivery would be or how tasty a good piece of toast feels. This diet is restrictive in the extreme so that every time I eat ANYTHING I feel like I’m cheating and I’m carrying that guilt around with me everywhere and, of course, the temptation is unbearable and my willpower nowhere to be seen.

Discipline: the art of doing what you need to do regardless of whether you feel like doing it or not

There is not much I can do about the above reasons, the point of this is that now I’m aware of what my negative triggers are and when I’m feeling down, I know why and can turn to something that makes me happier or motivates me, like tha VS fashion show? Waaaaaahhhh. This is not meant to be a depressing post; simply if you’re also having trouble it might assist in helping you see why. I promise one that will actually motivate you is coming soon. Now that I’ve pinpointed the reasons I think are restricting me I’m starting again. This time around, now that I know my triggers I’m, hopefully, not going to let them affect me. Juicing is starting tomorrow and I’m committing whole-heartedly until next Thursday and hopefully after I will continue at least until I smell that Baileys Coffee when I land home ;)

Wish me luck

xo