Toxic Friends

I recently bumped into some people I was friends with a few years ago when I was in Secondary School and it was really nice to see them again and catch up. We’re pretty much all in the same college and live in the same town, despite this we rarely all get together.

I remember the summer of first year when my Mam told me that I wouldn’t be friends with the people I was friends with then for the rest of my life and I lost the head altogether, I was convinced the friends I had made in my first year of Secondary School were going to be my best friends forever, an image helped along by various Hollywood flicks and magazines telling me this was the way it should be. It wasn’t. I have fallen out with all of them at least once, some fights were easily rectified and others did irreparable damage.

Like everyone, I continued to make various friends and acquaintances my whole way up through secondary school and throughout the subsequent college years, a lot of whom I thought I’d be friends with forever. I wasn’t. I am not.

Initially I did wonder why I wasn’t maintaining these friendships with people but I grew to learn that there are some people you’re simply too similar to or too different from and you can’t maintain a friendship that’s a two way street.

Then I discovered the “Toxic Friend”. There’s a lot of talk about the Toxic Friend these days. The friend who brings you down when you meet them. The friend that makes you feel bad about yourself. The friend that ignites a jealousy or anger in you that you never knew was there. The friend you leave and you feel worn out from. The friend that you listen to, constantly, and never get anything in return. The friend who thinks they can control everything you do.

Most of the people I have walked away from have been toxic friends; a lot of my friends from years ago have been toxic friends. Everyone encounters these people. You have to love yourself enough to leave these people behind. A toxic friend will have you believe that you cannot go on without them or that people won’t be your friend after you leave them, this may be true, but if it is, you need to leave these people too. You need to love yourself and care about yourself enough not to let these people control and affect your emotions. They can do irreparable damage to even the strongest of people. Toxic Friends don’t know they’re toxic friends so you can’t blame them. It’s simply the only way they know how to be a friend, you need to stand up for yourself and speak out when you feel like you’re been manipulated or hurt.

Asking them to change their ways is not helpful, it’s simply the way they are. As we all get older we all change and maybe they’ll change their ways but until then, let yourself grow, let them grow and never, ever settle for less than you deserve.

When I came to college everyone told me that the friends I made here would be the friends I kept for the rest of my life. I don’t believe it. Friendship is about more than the time of your life you meet the other person in. There are people I am friends with now simply because it’s easier to remain their friend. However, I have met many many people who have had a huge influence on my life in the last few years, friends who I am on the exact same wavelength as and I know, even if we don’t talk every day or even every month we’ll be friends forever. Not one of these has the elements of the toxic friend in them. Remember, you’ll always find the real friends underneath the “not so real” friends.

 Sometimes someone you just met can have a bigger impact on you than people you’ve known for years.

There are people I met when I was younger and every time I see them or their name pops up on my news feed I wish we could repair what damage was done when we were younger. I wish we could forget how we hurt one another, but sometimes it’s just not possible. When you know that every time you looked at one and other you’d be thinking of the hurt you caused it’s not worth rescuing the friendship and you’re better off to take solace in the fact that you had a friendship worth fighting for at some stage. No matter how sad it makes you.

There will always be friends worth fighting for though. These are the best. No matter what happens you know these people will be beside you. You are the people who bring out the best in each other. Hold onto these for dear life. Never let them go because you need each other equally. As much as I can say there are many people I had to walk away from but held onto far too tight I can also say that I have so many friends worth fighting for that I’ve been friends with for years. Through good times and bad (friendship is much more precious than any marriage will ever be) we’ve always been there for one and other and these are the real diamonds. The ones you need to hold onto. Your best friends.

Friends with history are a rare and beautiful thing.

Don’t mix up the real friends with the pretend ones to be cool or to fit in. Spend time with people whose company you enjoy and forget what everyone else says. At the end of the day, after a lot of pain and joy you’ll know who your true friends are.

Over Sixties to talk about love

Originally published in SIN Newspaper, NUIGalway's University Newspaper.

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, for one NUI Galway student it’s the perfect opportunity to ask the over sixties to tell her about love.

Kate Burke is a doctoral student at National University of Ireland, Galway who wants to examine the importance of romantic relationships for people over the age of 60.  “We are hoping to identify the most important elements of successful romantic relationships, and how these factors influence one another”.

Kate, who is a Trainee Clinical Psychologist and is carrying out her research under the supervision of Dr. Michael Hogan, Lecturer in Psychology at NUI Galway, has created a questionnaire and ideally needs around 200 people to participate. As well as being over 60, participants should also either be in a romantic relationship or have been in a relationship within the last 10 years.

Successful romantic relationships are recognised as being beneficial for psychological wellbeing and physical health. Communication, intimacy, sex and love have been found to be important in relationship satisfaction; however this research is usually completed with younger couples.

“Older adults are largely neglected when it comes to this kind of research”, with the focus being on younger people and newlyweds. However, I think older people have a lot of experience and can offer a different perspective that younger people can’t.”

Kate has already carried out some in-depth research with a group of younger people, and older people. Using a collective intelligence methodology some stark differences were identified between the focus groups

“So far, in testing this research area, we think that older people see honesty as being the fundamental driver of all other elements of successful romantic relationships,” Kate told us, Honesty is an interesting concept as it involves self-disclosure and risks putting an individual in a vulnerable position, and yet the ability to disclose honestly can facilitate a deeper level of intimacy in the relationship.”

For younger adults, communication and trust significantly enhance all elements of relationship success. Older adults also acknowledged the importance of these while both groups identified intimacy as an important component of relationship success.

“The survey will hopefully build on our previous findings and provide some statistical information about this interesting topic, allowing us to learn more about what’s important in loving relationships for older people. It would be great if people could share their experience with us.”

Those who wish to participate in the online study should log onto https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/MBNJ9CL . All participants’ data will be kept confidential with no identifying information attached to the questionnaires.

Report to be released on The Magdalene Laundries

Originally published on The Daily Shift on the 05/02/2013.

women in the laundries

A new report revealing the degree of the State’s knowledge, involvement and collusion in the detention of women in the Magdalene Laundries will be published and presented to the women, their advocacy groups and the government, this afternoon, 05/02/13. It is expected to display the extent of the responsibility that lies on the shoulders of the successive government’s since the opening of the first laundry in 1922.

A committee chaired by Senator Martin McAleese, husband of former President Mary McAleese, spent 18 months identifying the official role and involvement Ireland and the government had in the “for-profit Church-run operation”. Survivors, known as Justice for Magdadalens (JMF), have been campaigning for the last ten years for an inquiry into the Laundries. The inquiry, however, was prompted by a report from the United Nations Committee Against Torture in June 2011. It called for prosecution, where necessary, and compensation to surviving women.

The laundries were in existence for over 74 years from 1922 until as recently as 1996! Thousands of women were put to work in detention, mostly in industrial for-profit laundries run by nuns in four religious congregations. Most of them were detained because they became pregnant outside of marriage. Each woman had her Christian name changed, her surname unused and most have since died. There was over 988 remains of women found buried in laundry plots in cemeteries throughout Ireland and therefore must have been detained for life.

Steven O Riordan of the Magdalene Survivors Together group said that last night he would be “flabbergasted” of the report found there was no State involvement with the laundries, the Irish Times reports this morning.

He also said he hoped the discoveries would lay the basis for an apology “without delay” by the Taoiseach on behalf of the State. The women and Mr. O Riordan were hoping they would be paid for the work done in the laundries and in turn receive a pension.

The Magdalene Laundries

The first Magdalene laundry opened on Dublin’s Leeson Street in 1767. Others were opened in Waterford, New Ross, two in Cork, Limerick, Galway and four in Dublin at Dún Laoghaire, Donnybrook, Drumcondra and Gloucester Street. Four female religious congregations came to dominate the running of the laundries. The Gloucester Street laundry has only closed as recently as 1996.