London Discoveries: The Tube

After recently moving to London and wildly house hunting everywhere (no, everywhere) I can safely say that I have spent more than my fair share of time on the Tube. From my extensive research and abundance of time spent on this monstrous method of public transport I can safely say that most people are clinically insane.

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Some of the weirder things I’ve witnessed are best kept a secret between myself, the crazy person and the rest of the carriage.

However, some of the best things I’ve seen, and most regular, I’m willing to share, in the hopes that you won’t recreate these hideously uncomfortable-for-all scenes the next time you’re on public transport.

This, unfortunately, is becoming much more frequent with the nice weather

One of the milder things I’ve noticed has been, regardless of whether the sun is out or not, the sunglasses. When you wear sunglasses on the Tube it is as clear as day that you’re checking someone out, hiding bloodshot eyes or choosing your next victim for rape (I enjoy a good hyperbole.) We know this, yano? You do not look elegantly cool or chic and we certainly do not aspire to be you or sit near you. You’re the weirdo who hasn’t taken off your glasses on the tube. SLIDE THEM UP ON YOUR HEAD. IT IS NOT DIFFICULT.

Condescending Wonka knows.

Worse than the sunglasses are the starers. I don’t understand what you’re looking at; I’m wearing a hoody and a pair of jeans. I’m not in any way alternative or “out there”. I am not movie star pretty (if you think this, by all means, stare away). SO WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME? Also, if you have a tendency to stare I don’t understand why you get awkward and offended when I stare back. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it hunnay.

Your bank manager? The one you trust with all your hard earned money? He’s the one that brings scrambled eggs and nuts on the Tube in a lunch box and opens it up suffocating all the other passengers. He may be a great bank manager but do not bring him out for dinner. (nuts are dangerous, so many people with allergies, BE CAREFUL!)

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Your hairdresser? The one whose hair you wish yours resembled even slightly? Yeah, she got on this morning with sleep in rollers in. I understand fixing your make up but SLEEP IN ROLLERS??? The clue is in the name... SLEEP!!

It’s simple. The most normal of people turn crazy when they hit the tube platform. It feels like a safe haven where no one will judge and everyone is just as weird as you are. Don’t be fooled. Everyone judges and pretty much no one is as weird as you.

Ps. The bum touchers? We know it’s rush hour. We know we’re all squished together. We also know what you’re doing. THAT was not accidental!