With exams coming to a close and my lonely, mundane summer looming before me I’m beginning to reflect on past summers, all my friends are flying off to have the time of their lives on their j1’s and European adventures while I’m stuck here in my part time job and to be honest, I’ve begun to feel pretty sorry for myself.

When my most recent exam finished I went home and sat on my bed and tried to think of the last time I felt this defeated at my lank of innovation with regards my summer plans. It took a while to remember, especially when all I could hear was my friends excitement ringing in my ears, and then, like a slap on the forehead, I remembered. The summer of fifth year, eight years ago, in 2004; the worst summer I could have ever conceived possible lay before me. Three weeks were to be spent, in the middle of nowhere, speaking Irish. I was to spend half of my summer in the middle of Ros Muc, in the Gaeltacht.

Weeks beforehand were spent trying to convince my father that this was not a necessary component of my summer holidays, closer and closer to the time with my parents not budging a bit on the subject I began to accept defeat and I sat on the very same bed as I was sitting on yesterday and imagined all sorts of horrible scenarios that were inevitably waiting for me in Ros Muc, it was set to be one of the worst summers ever, right?

Eight years and six trips to the Gaeltacht later, I beg to differ. I’m not going to bore you here by reciting everything that is great about the Gaeltacht, because it’s everything; everything is great in the Gaeltacht! I will, however, inform you that it has been a great conversation starter for me since coming to college and I’ve noticed that everyone with whom I have discussed our respective trips to the Gaeltacht with comes away with the same memories, so for you poor unfortunates who never had the privilege of been thrown into a strange house, in a strange place, with strange people for three weeks and therefore don’t have this undefeatable conversation starter, I shall inform you of these memories, so you can at least pretend, you imposter!!

The Bean an Tí, ah, the wonderful Bean an Tí. This woman, no matter how kind or caring she is, will simply strike fear into every single student the first time you come home for your “suipear”. She does this to ensure you don’t give her hassle for the next three weeks. She’ll start talking to you at lightning speed as soon as you come in the door and her “blás”, along with your fatigue, from the trip and meeting more people than you can care to remember, will all combine and make her simply impossible to understand, you, most likely, will stand there, open mouthed and wide eyed and simply follow her hand gestures. This scary woman, however, will in fact become your saviour, if you get on her good side nice and fast – something I would recommend, she is, after all, the one who will wash your delicates, feed you and ensure your general safety. Having her on your good side can only be beneficial, especially for someone like me with allergies, if she didn’t like me, it could get ugly with nuts in everything! If you are lucky enough to first of all, get on your Bean an Tí’s good side and then even luckier to get to go back to her house for a second year running (three years in my case) it’s just like going home. She turns into a loving mother you can understand that knows your food preferences. Perfection!

The “relationship”, your Gaeltacht relationship is the one factor that can make or break your summer. Everyone, well every single person, don’t go denying it now, goes into summer with a desire, shall we say, to meet the “perfect” member of the opposite sex to enjoy for the summer and it’s no different when you’re going to the Gaeltacht, I’ve heard many stories of relationships that began in the Gaeltacht and are still blooming years later, I’ve heard more about people who have met in the Gaeltacht, not noticed each other and met again years later and hit it off beautifully ;) I can only hope that my situation will be the latter as all I’ve had is a few weeks of unrequited love and some silent “relationships” with not a word spoken between us but, inevitably, you’ll always come across a chance to play some tonsil hockey. For all you imposters out there, just remember, a Gaeltacht relationship is the same as every other teen relationship, just dial the intensity up about four notches, you do have to fit all the “pasiún” into three weeks after all :P

Sé do cinnire agus do teach ceann do na rudaí is tabhachtaí sa nGaeltacht. For the Gaeltacht veterans they will have decided before they reach the “halla mór” who they would like as their cinnire and if they don’t get her/him it’s just never a good start. For the new comers, you can usually tell which cinnirí were the “desired” cinnire by which ones were standing alone and which ones were fighting off ten or twelve 13 year olds. It is inevitable that the cool cinnires house would instantly be considered cool. So, if you’re unfortunate and end up in the less desirable cinnires house, you’ll need to make up for this, right? How? Well, obviously in the comortás tí... The comortas tí are vicious, they are basically a competition between the houses with things like songs, dances and TV shows to be showcased. As someone who has had their share of “dodgy” houses I can tell you now that this is NO FUN with a house you’re not completely comfortable with. I’m sure everyone reading this is cringing at the memories so let’s move swiftly on!

As a typical Irish woman I need to discuss the weather. The fact that we were in the middle of the Irish country with lush green landscapes never seemed to register with anyone in the Gaeltacht. THERE’S A REASON THOSE FIELDS ARE THE GREENEST YOU’VE SEEN! After a fabulous day, possibly after been set up with the boy of your dreams your only thought is what you’re going to wear or how you’re going to look at this very important “celií” or “dioscó”. You go home, fix yourself beautifully for hours in the hopes that when you walk in there’ll be a “Wow” moment and all of a sudden, everyone will be looking at you, wondering how they hadn’t noticed you before. You look and feel wonderful leaving the house, this can only equate to a good night, right? Wrong. You, you innocent cretin, have not taken into account the hideous weather that you will encounter everyday in the Gaeltacht, Connemara has some of the nicest days known to man but I’ll be darned if there’s one of them that doesn’t have at least one torrential downpour that will ruin the most looked after hair and make up and morph your “never fail” outfit into something that could have been resurrected from your Bean an Tí’s wardrobe!  

After years of going to the Gaeltacht I have realised that you should always try and impress the person who cooks your food as fast as possible, if you aren’t where you want to be in life, be it your teach in the Gaeltacht or a course in college, denial is always the best method and most of all I have learned looks and clothes will not help you, your only sure way to finding the “perfect” man is by using your dazzling personality. I’ve been single ever since.